Humor
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
I tried to catch fog today. I mist.
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
Every joke I make about 9/11 just has a tendency to crash and burn.
What is the biggest joke ever? Trump.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
Why did the clown not attack Mike? Because they bouncee.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
Gumball: What's that? Is it a twig?
Banana Joe: No.
Darwin: Is it a leaf?
Banana Joe: No.
Gumball: What is it then?
Banana Joe: It's my BUTT!!!
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number three.
5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.
6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.
7. You skipped number 5.
8. You just checked if there was a number 5.
9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?
A jammy cunt.
I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he was part of the Lazy Bones team!
What do you call a dwarf with borderline autism? Jimothy.