Humor
People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"
And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"
Why didn't the cows eat the lemon grass?
It made sour milk.
Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅
Denki: Hey Mineta, I have a joke.
Mineta: ...go on...
Denki: Ochako's booty.
Mineta: I don't get it?
Denki: Exactly.
Mineta: *cries T_T*
Here via westwingman.net from Veep!
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."
Stop making jokes about cancer... I might sound like a Karen, but it’s not fair... My mum died of cancer last month, and still I cry nearly every night 🙏🏻
I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂
What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."
Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?
Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.
Student: Ok!!
Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?
Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.
Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.
Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.
I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!
Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.
Me scrolling through jokes that sum up my life, starts crying.
My friend: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing, it's just so funny. Lol😂🤣😂
Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.
Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.
My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!
Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.
Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?
Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.
Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.
Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.
Brother 2: You monster.
Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?
Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.
Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.
Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!
Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.
Brother 1: Found them.
*imaginary mother and brother fade away*
Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.
Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.