Humor
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
A bear walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a cola and a...whisky?" The bartender says, "What's with the big paws?"
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
My name has "anus" in it.
Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.
Jokes are like food, not everyone has it.
Q: Why can orphans swim?
A: They have or-fins.
"Knock knock."
Orphan: "Who's there?"
"Not your parents."
I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!
What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
Suicide squad.
What do you call your angry French aunt?
A crossaunt.
Who is the coolest vegetable?
Rad-ish, of course!
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
So funny hahaha this is why I don't have friends :(