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Humor

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

There were once these two twins. One twin, no matter what happened, was always pissed off, while the other one was always happy.

This baffled scientists, so they ran an experiment on the twins to figure out what was happening. They took the angry one and left him in a room with all of the latest technology and the most expensive toys and left him overnight. When they came back, he was still grumpy. When they asked him why, he said, "None of these are actually mine, and you left me in here all night, so I'm angry!"

His explanation was reasonable, so they ran another experiment on the other kid. This time, they left him overnight in a room that was literally just filled with horse shit. When they came back to check on him the next morning, he was still smiling. When they asked him why, he said, "With all of this horse crap, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

Stop ruining the jokes. It's called "worst jokes ever" for a reason. We all feel bad for orphans, but people like dark humor and joke about everyone, so quit being offended, please.

If someone calls you, just say:

"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

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    • Officer: Hi, how high are you?

    Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

    Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

    Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

    Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

    Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

    Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

    I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

    What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

    Man: Hey Siri!

    Siri: Yes?

    Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

    Siri: Uh...

    *phone literally explodes*

    What do dead babies and fruit have in common? Both can become smoothies with the help of a blender!

    Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.

    One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.