Humor
your (DYM 59)
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
Officer: Hi, how high are you?
Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"
Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.
Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.
Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.
Enough of the sex jokes! I mean, come on, they are not even funny!
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.
Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."
What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
What do dead babies and fruit have in common? Both can become smoothies with the help of a blender!
Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.
One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.
What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?
Nothing, he just exploded.
Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!
Bob Weir: Where are you going?
Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈
Everybody was kung flu dying.
It traveled as fast as lightning.
2020 was expert timing.
In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
"Together we can stop this shit."
I'm not saying you're stupid.
But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philipe Philope.
Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...
What's the biggest problem with gravity?
It keeps putting people down.