Humor
Did you know victims of 9/11 are fast readers?
They went down 100 stories in 4 seconds.
TommyInnit is a joke.
I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.
How do you fit 3 gay guys on a barstool? Flip it upside down.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ididap!
Ididapoo!!
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
Deez nuts eat nuts.
Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
Your mama so fat, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.
What's harder than steel? Michael Jackson at a playground.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.
A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"
What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."
What's the only gun that doesn't exist in Africa?
A water gun.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
What is a cannibal's favorite type of pizza?
Domi-nose.
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!