Hows jokes

How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?

He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!

Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?

Mother: He died.

Daughter: How did he die?

Mother: He never got recharged.

🤔 ❓ How do lesbians 😳 practice safe 🙏 sex they put condoms on dildos and then they put dildos inside of their 👄 👄 👄 mouths and then they perform fellatio on them

How did Jesus like his chicken?

Crucifried.

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"

What is similar between sex and fishing?

It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.

Q: How do you make a door cry?

A: Twist its knob.

How do you punish a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

I like my women how I like my fridge.

In the kitchen.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

Donald Trump secretly admires Joe Biden. How do I know?

He attempts to imitate "Sleepy Joe" by falling asleep during his court cases and during part of the Republican National Convention!

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?

He spills coffee on his iPad.

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.