Hows jokes

How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?

Tie the bungee cord around his neck.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

What did the balls say to the dick?

Hey dick, how's it hanging?

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

How do terrorists feed their babies?

Here comes the airplane...

HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE 👹

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?

Mufasa.

I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.

A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

How do you blindfold an Asian? String!

How do Chinese people name their baby? They throw pots down the stairs: bing bong ching chong.

How come I have a father but not a dad?

He was a priest.