Hows

Hows jokes

Lightbulb

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"

Sex

What is similar between sex and fishing?

It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.

Mirror

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

Orphan

How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?

It doesn’t have a home page.

Sister

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

Newspaper

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Dad

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

Maid

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Seizure

How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?

He spills coffee on his iPad.

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  • Skyscraper

    How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

    Octopus

    Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

    Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

    Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

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  • Fan

    Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

    Phone Call

    Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

    answer the phone with this:

    "Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

    or

    "Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

    Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.