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Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?

That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?

About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.

How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.