My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
