House jokes
Life is like a game of poker, guys start by going with them clubs, ladies follow with a set of hearts, guys put down the diamonds, and before you know it you got a full house.
I didn’t wanna tell you, but I had to write this song, cause I’m in your house every night doin' your mom.
Q. What do a one-story house and an Alzheimer's victim have in common? A. Nothing going on upstairs.
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Buy KFC = 1 dead orphan in your house.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course it can, a house can't jump.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you waiting for, just let me in!
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
What is similar between a ton of kids and some boxes?
Both of those are commonly found in basements.
Q: What do a blond girl and a tornado have in common? A: There's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.
What do you call an American house?
A gun safe.
What's the difference between a flower and an orphan?
One is allowed in the house.
What's the difference between an orphan and a Chinese kid?
The Chinese kid has a home.
Some moving men had just begun their day's work.
The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.
The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?
Knock knock.
Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.
Grim Reaper who?
The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.