Hospital jokes

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.

What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?

Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.

Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?

Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To eat Bob's arms.

Bob went to hospital and had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Bob.

Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?

The damages are severe.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.

What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?

He became Gatorade.

Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

Question: What’s bald and is in a straight line?

Answer: The cancer ward. 😵😂😂

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.