Hospital jokes
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?
He'll have you in "Stitches"!
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.
They didn't know where to put the orphan. He was returned from the hospital he was born from; the parents gained one cent, while the orphan gained potatoes as friends.
What's the worst part about eating vegetables from the hospital?
The life support cord.
An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.
Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."
Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.
Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To eat Bob's arms.
Bob went to hospital and had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Bob.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?
Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.