Hospital jokes
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?
He'll have you in "Stitches"!
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.
Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍
An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.
Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."
What's the worst part about eating vegetables from the hospital?
The life support cord.
You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.
They didn't know where to put the orphan. He was returned from the hospital he was born from; the parents gained one cent, while the orphan gained potatoes as friends.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?
Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To eat Bob's arms.
Bob went to hospital and had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Bob.
What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
One day I visited my friend in a hospital.
I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"
Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.