Did you hear about the orphan who ran away from home?
Wait a minute! What am I talking about?
Home Jokes
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
One day, there are friends having fun.
Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."
And they all agree.
Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.
Kid: Where do I put this paper?
Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.
Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*
Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?
Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.
Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*
Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.
Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!
Kid: Yes, you told me to!
Teacher: I meant at school!
Kid: Ohhhhhh!
Teacher: Duh!
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
What can't play home in baseball? They don't have one.
"Go big or go home," that’s what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that’s what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that’s what I say.
God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.
Why do orphans not tell when they get hit?
Because who are they gonna tell, their mom?
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Me: "Hey, are your parents home?"
Orphan: "Stop calling here!"
Me in the corner.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home.
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
I did a walk today, but I had a walk home from a walk. Walk today, but it when.
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
