Holiday jokes
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday? 4th of July when they set off fireworks.
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have a Mother’s and Father’s Day.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Why don’t Chinese kids get to celebrate Christmas?
'Cause they're the ones making the toys.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
HAHAHAH! You all got April fooled in the wrong month!
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
Why can't orphans have a Christmas list? Because they can't give it to their parents to tell Santa.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.
Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?
Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.
Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?
Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.
Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Why do orphans not like July 24th??
Because it's Parents Day.
What is Labor Day? That’s when mommies have their babes.
What day is Labor Day?
It's the day mommies have their babies.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."