Hold jokes

I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"

There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”

Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

Why can Elsa hold a balloon? She will "Let It Go"!

What's the difference between you and a bench?

A bench can hold a family.

I met a kid at the park. He was holding a picture of his parents in his hands. They had died on 9/11.

So, I went to comfort him. I said, "Hey, I lost my grandpa on 9/11. He was great. At flying a plane."

An African man visits his friend in the US.

“I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.

“Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”

I have big balls, said the kid holding two soccer balls.

Me: John, what did he do earlier?

John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.

Me: I thought I smelled poop.

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?

Hold its nose.

Worst joke ever.

How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?

He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"