Hand

Becomes miscarriage

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

Hand

hewo

are your hands feeling heavy? because I can hold them for you

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Table

ITSMINE

how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5 4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.

Funeral

Cassidee E.

I was speaking at my grandpa’s funeral and I told everybody his last words: “You still holding the latter?”

Baby

ILOVEYOMAMA

A woman walks onto the Bus with his child. The driver says, "That’s the ugliest child I have seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, “Go say something back. Here, I’ll hold your monkey for you!”

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Die

Mr. Dark Joke

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

Shooting

billy teh loot

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

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Chair

Anonymous

How many quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4! One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he’s standing on, and one to sing “Allouette, gentille allouette!”

Inside

Dedpoo

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside? My record holding cucumbers locally grown at my farm

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Name

Anonymous

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”

Cop

Possibly a rabbit

The school shotter when the cops show up be like:

Aint nothing gunna break my stride, aint nothing gunna hold me down. Oh oh. Ive got to keep on moving.

Octopus

Aaron Cantu

What did the octopus say to the other? Let’s hold hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands.

Priest

Valentin

What does a priest hold on to when having sex. He holds on to the schoolbag.

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Little Johnny

Anonymous

mom, mom I’m holding my little brother’s hand … little Johnny good! but he’s not born yet

Roast

Cassidee

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words, they wanted to hear them. They are: you still holding the ladder

Spine

Mail man tom

I am thinking of removing my spine. It’s only holding me back

Nut

Paul

There is a new kind of jock strap, it only holds one nut. It is called a trump supporter.

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Puns

Anonymous

I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t Remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said “your about to become history”. I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.

Guy

Anonymous

I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of em…

Son

Dark wolf

Mom:son get up for school Son:I AM UP holds up books and says im up IM UP MOM