What would you name a mummified squirrel?
Perhaps... Mumford?
What do Monica and Bill Clinton have in common? They both did not inhale. Lol.
Q: What is Hitler's least favorite grocery store?
A: Jew-Osco
Friend: Slavery isn't good.
Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.
Me: Shut up and get me a juice!
If the captain of the Titanic was dumb, he would eat the iceberg.
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Iran: We can beat the USA.
Japan: You do realize we beat him in Battleship, and he dropped the sun on us.
Iran: So?
Japan: Twice!
So, at school there are these twins. At my school, I folded two paper airplanes to throw at them. Once I realized why it felt so wrong to do it, I had already threw them. I hit the north, then the south one.
God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.
Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."
What takes 10 seconds to go SLPAT! on the ground?
9/11 victim!
Why did Helen Keller fail school? She was bad at language.
Why are New Yorkers so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers!
Who is buried in the tomb of Alexander the Grape?
Alexander the raisin.
The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.
We used to be the tallest buildings in New York...
Then we took an Arab to the knee.
You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."
The only thing brighter than my cuteness is the fire on the Twin Towers.
When your gf tells you to treat her like a queen,
and then you remember you’re French.
Another Nazi joke.
Did Nazi that coming?
Did Jew?
Bully: Ur Gay.
Me: I'M STRAIGHTER THAN THE LINE IN OSAMA BIN LADIN'S PLAN.
Bully: *runs away and hears crash*
