History jokes
What was purple and conquered the world?
Alexander The Grape.
Why was the Roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was "Romin" around during war.
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
'Cause she's already dead.
What should you use to battle a T-Rex?
A dino-sword.
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
Yo mama so old, she was in third grade with Moses.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
Why was Hitler bad at math?
He could only count to nein.
What do you call a dictatorial cow?
Moosilini.
What ended in 1999? 1998.
What is the reason for why women never look to the right?
Because they don't have any rights.
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they're dead.
Why couldn't the dinosaur clap? They're dead!
What is Hitler's least favorite month?
Jewly.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"