History jokes

Why were the people during 9/11 mad? They ordered 2 sausage pizzas, but instead they got 2 plane pizzas.

"I don't want to go on my at-home history."

- My friend, anon 2019.

IX + X = XXI. So XXI is two legions into one.

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

What are the kids addicted to these days? Juulius Caesar (Juuls).

What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?

A Doyoulickalotapuss.

An old Indian was buried on the side of a hill. What did he say?

Nothing, he was dead.

Julius Caesar is Roman? More like romaine (salad), and to make the best salad, you stab it 23 times until the Caesar salad, romaine salad, is fresh.

I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them, but the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, “Shove it up your butt, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his butt and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?

Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.

Why is the wheel the best invention?

Because it's wheely wheely great!

What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?

Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.

Why is the Nazi Anthem banned in Germany? Because Horst Wessel lied.

Say what you want about Hitler, but in the end, he did kill Hitler.

Have you ever met a knight with a metanite at night?

I joke about 9/11 because if I did it, it would have a tendency to crash and burn.

Why did the Roman eat pizza? He felt like it.

What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?

A bullet.