What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
Why is the wheel the best invention?
Because it's wheely wheely great!
What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?
Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.
Why is the Nazi Anthem banned in Germany? Because Horst Wessel lied.
Say what you want about Hitler, but in the end, he did kill Hitler.
Have you ever met a knight with a metanite at night?
I joke about 9/11 because if I did it, it would have a tendency to crash and burn.
Why did the Roman eat pizza? He felt like it.
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?
At least Hitler actually did something.
What do people say to knights when they go to bed? Good knight!
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relieved. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. "Nitrogen!" The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good night.”
"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"
The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”
Why can’t he just speak plain English?
If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...
The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use "Shake-spears."
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).
