Him jokes
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
Kevin Woody (look him up)
How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?
Skelesore.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space. Does that make him an Australien?
How do you get a monkey off the wall?
You jerk him off!
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
How do you anger a Libertarian?
Don't tell him the truth.
How do you anger a Republican?
Tell him the truth.
I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.
I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.
I got in a cage fight.
The hamster didn't know what hit him!
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!