Him jokes

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

Your uncle Jack is stuck on the horse...

Would you help him jack off the horse?

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

I got in a cage fight.

The hamster didn't know what hit him!

Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...