Him jokes

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

I got in a cage fight.

The hamster didn't know what hit him!

A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on the horse...

Would you help him jack off the horse?

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

Does your cat scratch you?

Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

A man with a drum.

"Well, tell him to beat it!"

Kevin Woody (look him up)