HI jokes

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Why did the heterosexual man put a mask on his cock to protect himself from COVID? Silly boy.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?

His shoulder.

I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from, I just can't place his accent.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

What did a cannibal have as his last meal?

Five guys.

A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?

His lawnmower.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?

Drool.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipses it!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.