**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
me: you wanna hear a story?
billie: yes sure
me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.
John : hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming
Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am
Yo mama is so slow when she stepped on the HI way they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic
Me: Hey dad, I’m in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal…
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I’m dad!
hi m my name is crappy i like tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and ya now GET LOST!
Kid: I’m hungry Dad Bot: hi hungry, I’m dad Teenager: I’m t l e r did nothing wrong Dad Bot: hi t l e r did nothing wrong, I’m dad Nazi: finally
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend said “hi.” I said, " knife to meet you."
Sun: Hi, I am the sun! I want to warm you up… Human: :D Sun: I want to BuRn you… Human: … Sun: I want to… KILL… you… Human: I should be going now Sun: LET ME KILL YOU Human: Screams his last sound