When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his ass.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
best friend makes 9/11 joke.
you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."
best friend: "I'm sorry."
you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.
