Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
