Hes Jokes

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

When ur fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now u gotta fight the suicide squd

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

Why is Sam Ryan a redditor? because he is

Where did the software developer go?! I don’t know, he ransomware!

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? -- The computer runs.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.

He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.

A priest is drowning in a river... A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says "leave me alone, god will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn't you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn't take them! "

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he's sitting the the doctor's office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad 'I got expelled from school today' he said ' how' I said I threw my book at the teacher' he asked why' I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can't hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. '

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys