Hes

Hes jokes

Priest

A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Cow

What does a cow say when he remembers something?

"I have deja moo!"

Dog

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

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  • Chess

    Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

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  • School shooting

    My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

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  • Turkey

    Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

    To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

    Chicken

    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.

    Orphan

    So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

    Literal

    Therapist: So what brought you here today?

    Wife: He's too literal.

    Therapist: And you, sir?

    Husband: My truck.

    Penaldo

    Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

    Superman

    A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

    The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

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  • Calculator

    Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.

    Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

    Boobless.

    Emo

    - The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

    - How did the gay person die? Homicide.

    - Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

    - When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

    - I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

    - I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

    - How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

    Artist

    There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

    Sex

    You want to hear a dirty joke?

    This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

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  • Grandpa

    My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

    Suicide

    A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

    Bee

    Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?

    Because he loves his honey.

    Orphan

    I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.