Her jokes
I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?
When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”
I had a great day today because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table, and the teacher screamed, "Allison, how would you like it if I banged you on the table?"
Yo mama's so big, her belt size is "equator."
Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.
The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"
The second said: "I'd do it for free!"
The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"
The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.
Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.
Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.