Her jokes

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Yo mama is so fat that Naruto couldn’t make enough shadow clones to surround her.

A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

Q: what happened when the depressed kid wanted to high five the tree?

A: It left him/her/them hanging.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

Hellen Keller went to town riding a pony, stuck a feather in her hat, and called it an "Unnghhtpthhh!"

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What do you call a woman who aborted her quadruplets? A graveyard.

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and went up to her mom and asked, "Mom, I have hair on my privates, what is it?"

"Oh honey, that's your monkey," the mom says.

So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says, "My monkey has hair on it!" So the sister replies with a laugh, "You think that's cool? My monkey is already eating bananas!"

My sis is very funny. Her fave joke is:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Mr. Nobody." "Mr. Nobody who?" "I just told you!"

Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.

Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.

What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?

Slick her hair, she looks 15.