Her Jokes

What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

Her pants were on fire.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

Man: "But I am already in love with you."

And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

Man: "And here is some candy."

And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

And the police show up.

First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

The girl points to the man and says "This man."

Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

The police see him and run after him.

Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

A man told his love interest she looked beautiful.

And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him.

And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny.

Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?

Because he had a crush on her.

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. "What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.

"Not a bunch, a herd," her friend replied.

"Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, a cow herd."

"What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Q: What did the little girl say to her leper daddy?

A: "Oops, I got your nose!"

My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Her dog was blind, too.

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"

The little boy says, "That’s my little red race car."

Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"

The little girl says, "That’s my little red race car garage."

So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won’t fit.

Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"

The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

I got fired from a pickle factory for getting my finger caught in a slicer. They only gave *her* the day off with pay... unfair!