Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?
Because every Lidl helps.
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###đ„ I need to call help."
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!
Whatâs a lungâs favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
Help me...
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I donât hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didnât laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, Iâd be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause thatâs where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, âLook at it this way: Iâm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.â âI still donât get it,â responded Little Johnny. âWhy donât you sleep on it then? Maybe youâll understand it better,â said the dad. âOkay then...good night,â said Little Johnny and went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brotherâs crying. He went to his baby brotherâs crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parentâs room to get help. When he got to his parentâs bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasnât there. So he went to the maidâs room. When he looked through the maidâs room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, âOH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!â
Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he wonât abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? Thatâs Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.
Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe heâs real and always here. Donât let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or donât believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.
Why can't orphans go on vacation?
The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!
One time an ant was collecting food. Suddenly, a wind pushed the ant into the river. The ant said, "Help! Help!" and a pigeon heard it. Then, he grabbed a leaf and threw it in the river. The ant climbed on it, and then the pigeon and the ant became best friends. But one time, a hunter came to kill the pigeon. When the ant saw him, she bit his leg and the pigeon flew away from the arrow, and that's how friends are, everybody.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.
Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily. You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks. Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world? (Ah-ah-ah-ah) And good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself. I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped. Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Well, good for you, I guess you're gettin' everything you want (ah). You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off (ah). It's like we never even happened. Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ha) And good for you, it's like you never even met me. Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you. You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Maybe I'm too emotional Your apathy is like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. Like a damn sociopath. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.
Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.
What helped the Lakers win the Finals? Kobe's passing!
