Help jokes

Good news! There's a new program to help autistic people. It's called Action T-4.

Women be like if men are gone, Earth would be a better place, (forgetting) women help to create war, weapons, animal and human cruelty, and have helped to enforce laws that oppress them.

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Guys, I have a dilemma. I'm a beta, please help!

I'm at school and this website isn't blocked, and I need help on who did 9/11?

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

Kid: I need help!

Mom: Help your balls.

What do you call a disabled person drowning?

A boat.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.

The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"

Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

His name is "Daddy!" HELP!

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

Have you ever tried anal bleaching?

It really helps assholes lighten up.

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!