Help jokes
I'm at school and this website isn't blocked, and I need help on who did 9/11?
You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"
Kid: I need help!
Mom: Help your balls.
What do you call a disabled person drowning?
A boat.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.
The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"
Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."
I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.
His name is "Daddy!" HELP!
I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"
I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.
Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?
Because every Lidl helps.
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
Help me...
People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.