Help

Help jokes

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

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    • Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

    Ring.. Ring.. Yes this is Dave from the Orphanage, "you make 'em we take 'em", how may I be of service?

    What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

    "If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

    My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

    Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

    I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

    Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

    One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

    "Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

    "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

    "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

    "Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

    "I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

    An orphan goes to a doctor.

    Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

    Orphan: "But why?"

    Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

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    • A Down syndrome child is drowning, he calls for help with all of his voice: "Somebody help me!! I'm Downing!"

    BA DUM TSS

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    • Women be like if men are gone, Earth would be a better place, (forgetting) women help to create war, weapons, animal and human cruelty, and have helped to enforce laws that oppress them.

    A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

    After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

    And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

    God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

    You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"