Hearing jokes

Wanna hear a joke...

I don't know, I'm too high.

When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.

Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.

Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.

So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because the "p" is silent.

Did you hear about the gay Indian who died?

He was a brave sucker.

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.

Person: Did you hear about the black chick on the front of the bus?

Friend: No?

Person: Exactly.

You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.

My life.

When your little brother hears noise from your room and you're the only one in it.

Want to hear a dad joke? Look in the mirror. You get the joke.

Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.

Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

You wanna hear a joke? You.