Hearing jokes

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?

He won a no-bell prize.

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you gotta hand it to her.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

Did you hear about the new sex doll they've invented for Muslims?

It blows itself up!!

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

Did you hear about the exciting new drug they developed for lesbians with depression? They call it: TRICOXAGIN.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.

When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?