Hearing jokes
If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says, “Yes.”
Stalin then says, “Moscow.” Hitler replies with “I don’t get it?”
Stalin laughs for a long time and says, “And you never will.”
Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.
"Do you want to hear a joke?"
"Yes."
"Okay, record yourself and then listen to it!"
Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?
My life.
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?
- Sure.
Oh sorry, I'm still working on it :-]
Why could you not hear the dinosaur clap? Because it's dead.
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
Ah, you wanna read a cheeseburger joke for your friends to hear.
Nah, bro, you're just going to get cheese on your burger.
What did the DJ name his son?
Eric.
Did you hear about the tourist that came to New York? Good, because they were a terrorist... When they were asked why they were traveling, they just mispronounced it.
Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?
Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.
Mom: Can you hear them?
Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.
Mom: Why do you think that?
Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.
My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?
Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.
Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.
Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-
Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.
Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
One time an ant was collecting food. Suddenly, a wind pushed the ant into the river. The ant said, "Help! Help!" and a pigeon heard it. Then, he grabbed a leaf and threw it in the river. The ant climbed on it, and then the pigeon and the ant became best friends. But one time, a hunter came to kill the pigeon. When the ant saw him, she bit his leg and the pigeon flew away from the arrow, and that's how friends are, everybody.
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
Wanna hear a joke?
Your face.
Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?
He got a pat on the head.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"