Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?

Never mind, it’s too pointless.

Why can’t blind people sing [if] that can’t hear because they can see the lyrics?

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.

Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

What do you call a dead polar bear?

Anything, they can't hear you!

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

"Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world? It only had one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu."

One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.

Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.

Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."

Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?

It took my sole.

Did you hear about the guy who made knock-knock jokes? He won the Nobel Prize.