Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

Want to hear my pencil joke? Wait, I'm still writing it.

Did you hear about the song Rihanna wrote about the tin can?

It was called "S & N."

Did you hear about the elephant with no nose?! Me neither.

When you're sitting by the mushrooms and you hear one say to the other "Hey, you're a fun guy."

Q: Did you hear about the Twin Towers?

A: No, what happened?

Q: Apparently, the design was fundamentally floored!

Did you hear about the shark that ate a key shop?

I think it got lockjaw after that.

You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.

My life.

Wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Sorry, I don't have the guts to tell it.

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?

It was nut funny.

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

"Yes."

"Okay, record yourself and then listen to it!"

Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

Do you want to hear a cold joke?

Can't. It warmed up.

I would make a joke about short people, but they probably couldn't hear it.

Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?

My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

Did you hear that Rushdie has a new book? It's titled "Buddha, that Fat Fuck."

When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.

What do you call a dead polar bear?

Anything, they can't hear you!