Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

"Yes."

"Okay, record yourself and then listen to it!"

Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.

I would make a joke about short people, but they probably couldn't hear it.

Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?

It was nut funny.

You when you face the boss the first time: :)

You when Dark Souls boss music starts playing on the second phase: :(

You when you ask why do you hear boss music: <(

You when the boss goes straight to his final phase after 1 hit:

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Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.

Why can’t orphans tell these jokes?

Because they're fun for the whole family to hear.

What do you call someone who’s blond, beautiful, and listens to what you’re saying, but only hears what they want?

Womxn

You know I would make a deaf joke, but I don't think they would hear it.

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

Did you hear about the car that turned into a wheelchair?

Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?

My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock at the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.