Hearing jokes
Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies.
Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive.
Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out.
Wanna hear something that's the worst? He comes back for seconds.
— Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?
— No.
— That's the spirit!
What did the baritone say to the alto?
Nothing, you couldn’t hear him.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.
You want to hear a joke about pizza?
Sorry! Can't tell ya, it's too cheesy!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
Deaf people suck lots of dicks.
They can't hear!
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?
She called for a price check.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Did you hear he died of a virus? A computer virus.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.