Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
Deaf people suck lots of dicks.
They can't hear!
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?
She called for a price check.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Did you hear he died of a virus? A computer virus.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.
Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?
There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!
Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?
My life.
Two cows are standing in a field.
Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter? It only came in male boxes.
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
