Hearing jokes

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

"Me tells dad joke often."

"I want to hear it."

"Me? You wouldn't get it."

When you’re in India and you start hearing a tick, tick, tick, tick, you run!

Did you hear about the cemetery? I heard that people are dying to be there.

What makes Asians look like they're laughing at everyone? They're squinting before they hear the joke.

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?

I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”

Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?

Girl, come here, my parents aren't home.

Orphan: Mine are never.

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?

America - 8

Ethiopia - didn't.

What did the guy tired of hearing people joke about rape do?

He killed everyone on this f#cking website.

Did you hear about the emo kid in a wheelchair? Exactly.

Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?

On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?

He made the cut.

Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needs some space.