Hearing jokes
"Me tells dad joke often."
"I want to hear it."
"Me? You wouldn't get it."
When you’re in India and you start hearing a tick, tick, tick, tick, you run!
Did you hear about the cemetery? I heard that people are dying to be there.
What makes Asians look like they're laughing at everyone? They're squinting before they hear the joke.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?
I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
Girl, come here, my parents aren't home.
Orphan: Mine are never.
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
Did you hear about the baseball game between America and Ethiopia?
America - 8
Ethiopia - didn't.
What did the guy tired of hearing people joke about rape do?
He killed everyone on this f#cking website.
Did you hear about the emo kid in a wheelchair? Exactly.
Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?
On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?
He made the cut.
Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
Poor guy really needs some space.
I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.
Student: Sorry to hear.
Teacher: Is anyone missing today?
Student: Your parents.
One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.
Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.
Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."