Healthcare jokes

Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"

What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?

The thief knows what you have!

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

"I'd love to give everyone another shot."

Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.

Abortion is bad.

What do you call a fetus with Down syndrome? An abortion.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

When the card declines on child insurance.

Why did the doctor turn the orphan down?

Because he is a family doctor.

Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.

My abortion.

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

Abortion is beautiful.

What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

What do you call a fight at a dementia unit?

A Sundown Smackdown.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.