Healthcare jokes
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
Welcome to Joe's abortion clinic! No fetus can beat us! You make 'em, we take 'em!
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
What's better than having unprotected sex? Getting an abortion.
If a person kills their counselor, does that mean that they don't need therapy anymore?
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
What's the difference between Canada and the USA?
In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.
In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
You use dental floss.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Healthcare these days is a bit of an Obamanation.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.