Healthcare jokes
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
"I'd love to give everyone another shot."
Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.
What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?
The thief knows what you have!
An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.
Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."
Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."
Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"
Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."
Orphan: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."
What do you call a fight at a dementia unit?
A Sundown Smackdown.
My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"
What's the difference between Canada and the USA?
In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.
In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
Why is there no medication in Africa?
Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.