Healthcare jokes

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?

Time to go to the doctor! 🥼

What's better than having unprotected sex? Getting an abortion.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?

The maternity ward.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

Welcome to youtube.com.

Where we treat our patients nicely.

Hi.

Yo momma so fat, when she went for a health consultation, the doc told her to make do with health insurance.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Why is there A/C in hospitals?

So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

Mamma mia abortion clinic!

Your loss is our sauce.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.