Healthcare jokes

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

What's better than having unprotected sex? Getting an abortion.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?

The maternity ward.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?

Time to go to the doctor! 🥼

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.

Yo momma so fat, when she went for a health consultation, the doc told her to make do with health insurance.

Why is there A/C in hospitals?

So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Welcome to youtube.com.

Where we treat our patients nicely.

Hi.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Mamma mia abortion clinic!

Your loss is our sauce.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

Why is there no medication in Africa?

Because doctors advised, "You don't take it on an empty stomach."

Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"

Abortion is bad.