Healthcare jokes

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

What [is] another name for an abortion?

Canceling your delivery.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

1 like = 1 more missile aimed at a hospital.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

Mamma mia abortion clinic!

Your loss is our sauce.

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.

what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?

people go there to fix their mistakes.

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."

Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital.

Just to test their patients.

What do you call a fetus with Down syndrome? An abortion.