Healthcare jokes

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?

It’s all Depends!

Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

Why is there AC in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Depression medicine and therapy.

GO AWAY!

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?

An expiration date.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

But he’s all right now.

My abortion.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.