Healthcare jokes

When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

Yo momma so fat, when she went for a health consultation, the doc told her to make do with health insurance.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.

What did the doctor say to the orphan?

"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"

Welcome to Joe's abortion clinic! No fetus can beat us! You make 'em, we take 'em!

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

Death.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

When the card declines on child insurance.

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

This is Riley abortion clinic. Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.