Healthcare jokes

A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Good news!

Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

What's a psych ward worker's favorite incense?

Insurance fraud.

What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?

The depressed person can scan themself.

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

I am still trying to figure out why paying the COVID doctors a compliment is so offensive. They even kicked me out, and all I said was to stay positive...

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

Next time you get a call from anybody, say, "Hi, welcome to Dave's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Or,

"Hi, welcome to Pizza and Abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce!"

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

Why do they call it abortion? Because they aborted the mission.

Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?

A. Has an abortion.

If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?

Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Why is there A/C in hospitals?

So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.