Health jokes
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
What do you say to a magician with autism?
Are you "Autism-ic?"
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.
I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.
Robert doesn’t see people, the man just sees meals.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
Your Dad.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
My jokes are cancer.
The sad thing is when they ride the scooters in Wal-Mart... Really, you declining to walk is what got your fat ass in that scooter to begin with... And damned if they aren't buying diet soda... Please... cull this shit... We don't need them in society... KFC is not a disease.