Health jokes
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?
Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?
As fat as Ben Dingley.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Cancer
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
What do you say to a magician with autism?
Are you "Autism-ic?"
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.
I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.
Why do mountains go to sleep a lot?
Because they are high.
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"