Health jokes
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
These are ear-retcal jokes...
Fail.
The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
What do you call a restaurant that sells food that contains weed?
McBongald's.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Ash."
"Ash who?"
"Bless you!"
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.