Health jokes
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.
When a girl was having an asthma attack, Ariana said, "Just keep breathing and breathing and breathin!!!!!"
Q) What is the ONLY zodiac sign ever to be surgically removed?
A) Cancer.
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
You reload and keep shooting.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...
Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.
Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them!
What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
How does the skeleton call his friends? With a tele-bone.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?
I am like Cookie Monster on steroids when it comes to cookies.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.