Your hairline caused the solar flare.
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.
My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?
Me: No.
Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.
How do you name a Chinese kid?
Throw a frying pan on their head, "Ching Chong!"
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"
So many things are going through my head.
How am I not dead yet?
A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!
If you think your life is bad, then people are discussing the gender of Mr. Potato Head.
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
"Police control! Have you been drinking?"
"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"
"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
Your forehead is so big that it could carry the passengers of the Titanic.
Your forehead is so big that when you put glasses on top of your head, it falls off.
I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
